Hol, you need a woman's opinion!
I think you've got a nice poem going, and I agree with the comment above that it means more coming from you than from a dusty ol' poetry book. Gentlemen, actung! simple, sentimental, sincerity from the heart will win the day.
Hol, see if you like any of these suggestions that build on your original structure, thoughts and words:
You are the sunshine whose rays illuminate my life
Your warmth is the essence that fills the hollows of my days
My nights are a frozen void when you are not there
I fear the fierceness of your solar storms, and yet
I wait for your sunrise, and I dread your sunset
I dream each day of a perpetual noontide
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