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Mistakes

Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2011 4:46 am
by Quoc
There are 7 mistakes in the 3 following paragraphs.

As you know, we have been asked to go and present our proposals for the Russian contract, and the buyers have scheduled the presentation to next Wednesday afternoon. We have a lot to prepare before then.

Already we have sent a written proposal, so we wouldn't have to repeat the same information. What we must do is to emphasise our key strengths and show how we are different from and better than our competitors.

We hold a meeting to plan the presentation tomorrow at 10 a.m. and I would like that you come with some good ideas. There is strong competition for this contract and if we won't make the right impression next Wednesday, we could lose it. Be there on 10 o'clock sharp, please.

And I've changed as follows:

As you know, we have been asked to go and present our proposals for the Russian contract, and the buyers have scheduled the presentation for next Wednesday afternoon. We have a lot to prepare before then.

We have already sent a written proposal, so we don't have to repeat the same information. What we must do is to emphasise our key strengths and show how we are different from and better than our competitors.

We'll hold a meeting to plan the presentation tomorrow at 10 a.m. and I would like that you come up with some good ideas. There is strong competition for this contract and if we don't make the right impression next Wednesday, we could lose it. Be there at 10 o'clock sharp, please.

Am I right? Please correct me if I am wrong.

Thanks
Quoc

Re: Mistakes

Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2011 7:31 am
by russcable
The first mistake is that you have written three paragraphs and referred to them as "the following paragraph." ;)

"Already we have sent" seems more "really awkward" than "mistake" but "We have already sent" is much better.

... I would like that for you to come up with some good ideas. ...

Also, I think this is formal enough that I would prefer "We will" instead of "will" and " Please be there..." would sound more natural than "Be there ..., please."

Re: Mistakes

Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2011 9:32 am
by Erik_Kowal
The only comment I have to add to Russ's contribution is that someone from the UK would be more likely to write "I would like you to come up with some good ideas" than "I would like for you to come up with some good ideas".

Re: Mistakes

Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2011 10:06 am
by Edwin F Ashworth
Quoc's getting to sound frighteningly proficient.

Re: Mistakes

Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2011 11:28 am
by Quoc
The first mistake is that you have written three paragraphs and referred to them as "the following paragraph." ;)

I've changed it.

;)