A comedy of errors

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A comedy of errors

Post by Archived Topic » Sat Dec 29, 2001 12:17 am

I am sorry if this post does bother the moderators of this board, but I have to share this, even if it means blemishing my own creed. I've been LMAO since I read it minutes ago. Grab the chair next to yours or you're gonna be rolling on the floor in no time. Here goes.



THIS IS THE COW
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There are no typos in this essay. Everything is legal and as it was written in the exam. If you develop cramps reading this or find your English gone haywire after reading this, please don't blame me :-)

CALCUTTA's Telegraph has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at the recent UPSC examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:

The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.

His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

This is the cow.

P.S.: We are informed that the candidate passed the exam.

________________________________________________________

I am guessing the guy needs help writing.
Submitted by Sathyaish Chakravarthy (New Delhi - India)
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A comedy of errors

Post by Archived Reply » Sat Dec 29, 2001 12:32 am

Hey! It reads better than some college graduates in the U.S. that I can name! Certainly better than most high school students here!
Reply from Leif Thorvaldson (Eatonville - U.S.A.)
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A comedy of errors

Post by Archived Reply » Sat Dec 29, 2001 12:46 am

It also reads much better than some "professional" business memos I've run across during my career! How now, brown cow?
Reply from K. Allen Griffy (Springfield, IL - U.S.A.)
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A comedy of errors

Post by Archived Reply » Sat Dec 29, 2001 1:01 am

I was rather taken with these Indian rules of the road, which I believe have been adapted from the Italian ones.

From http://www.hindustanlink.com/jokes/jokesmore1a.htm:

Traveling in India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable - and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous.

Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on an ancient text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English.

ARTICLE I
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

ARTICLE II
The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.

ARTICLE III
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers' mantra.

ARTICLE IV
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):

Cars (IV,1,a-c):

(IV,1,a): Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, ie in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path.
(IV,1,b): Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, ie to oncoming truck, "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).
(IV,1,c): Single blast (casual) means "I have seen someone out of India's 870 million whom I recognize", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."

Trucks and buses (IV,2,a):

All horn signals have the same meaning, viz, "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasized by the use of headlamps (insouciant).

Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above

ARTICLE V
All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.

ARTICLE VI
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

ARTICLE VII
Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle.
Lane discipline (VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road.

ARTICLE VIII
Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

ARTICLE IX
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing - one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

ARTICLE X
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

ARTICLE XI
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.

ARTICLE XII
The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker.

Reply from Erik Kowal ( - England)
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A comedy of errors

Post by Archived Reply » Sat Dec 29, 2001 1:15 am

So 007 would actually be legal over there?
Reply from Edwin Ashworth (Oldham - England)
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A comedy of errors

Post by Archived Reply » Sat Dec 29, 2001 1:29 am

Evidently in India, the use of an ejector seat for the special use of passengers would be a superfluous (though of course still very desirable) extra.
Reply from Erik Kowal ( - England)
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A comedy of errors

Post by Archived Reply » Sat Dec 29, 2001 1:44 am

Perhaps the gravitational attraction of the roundabout can still only be countered by the slingshot effect.
Reply from Jason Goodman (Ann Arbor - U.S.A.)
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