poem on girl's birthday

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poem on girl's birthday

Post by Archived Topic » Thu Dec 27, 2001 6:46 pm

cam anyone help me improve this a bit? I would like to send it to my girlfriend for her birthday.

Girl,
You are my sunshine, the illumination of my life
Girl,
You fill my days with warmth
Girl,
I fear your solar storms
Girl,
I wait for your sunrise, and I dread your sunset
Girl,
At night when you are not there I freeze
Girl,
Make each day a perpetual noontide


Submitted by hol holland (Melbourne - Australia)
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poem on girl's birthday

Post by Archived Reply » Thu Dec 27, 2001 7:01 pm

Hol, I'm afraid your self-assessment is quite right. Unfortunately, your output is, in my opinion, unrescuable, since there is nothing whatever about it that is sufficiently good to base any improvements on. I don't doubt the warmth of your feelings, but you don't even mention the object of your affections by name, and all the sentiments expressed are neither original nor interestingly presented. Anyhow, sorry for this disagreeable news!

May I suggest that instead you find an existing love poem by someone else (perhaps taken from an anthology of classic verse), and copy that out by hand on an attractive blank card? I'm sure your girlfriend will appreciate the effort this would involve.
Reply from Erik Kowal ( - England)
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poem on girl's birthday

Post by Archived Reply » Thu Dec 27, 2001 7:29 pm

Here, I got one for you:

You give it a name.

If all the stars were made of gold,
The sky a yellow sheet.
I'd go aloft and bring them down,
And darling, I'd lay them at your feet.

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poem on girl's birthday

Post by Archived Reply » Thu Dec 27, 2001 7:44 pm

Erik, I think you are a bit hard on Hol. Granted the expression has little to commend it, but the way he (I assume - could be wrong) has carried through the sun analogy is quite interesting.
Message for Hol - look at the poems of George Herbert to understand how to carry out a "conceit" like this brilliantly.
Jim
Reply from jim ransom (London - England)
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poem on girl's birthday

Post by Archived Reply » Thu Dec 27, 2001 7:58 pm

Oh what a nice poem! I love it!
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poem on girl's birthday

Post by Archived Reply » Thu Dec 27, 2001 8:13 pm

I think that it is really sweet. Your girl will love it. Its an original poem,and I think she will like it a lot more than if you just copied one inside a card.
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poem on girl's birthday

Post by Archived Reply » Thu Dec 27, 2001 8:27 pm

Hol, you need a woman's opinion!

I think you've got a nice poem going, and I agree with the comment above that it means more coming from you than from a dusty ol' poetry book. Gentlemen, actung! simple, sentimental, sincerity from the heart will win the day.

Hol, see if you like any of these suggestions that build on your original structure, thoughts and words:

Girl,

You are the sunshine whose rays illuminate my life

Girl,

Your warmth is the essence that fills the hollows of my days

Girl,

My nights are a frozen void when you are not there

Girl,

I fear the fierceness of your solar storms, and yet

Girl,

I wait for your sunrise, and I dread your sunset

Girl,

I dream each day of a perpetual noontide

*PauladePlume*
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poem on girl's birthday

Post by Archived Reply » Thu Dec 27, 2001 8:41 pm

When is/was her birthday, Hol ? Did you take someone's advice ? What was her reaction to your gift ?
Reply from Catherine Dart (Ashburnham - U.S.A.)
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poem on girl's birthday

Post by Archived Reply » Thu Dec 27, 2001 8:56 pm

it's a lovely poem and i'm sure she'll love it, if you want more good love poems, go to "google search" (http://www.google.com) and type in 'love poems'. i found some nice ones on there the other day
Reply from Jessica West (plymouth - England)
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