Dear Judge McLaughlin,
On Thursday, 26 September 2002, my son Mugger “Shawn” Grockle is scheduled to appear before your court for sentencing in connection with a particularly revolting crime which (and he assures me on his mother’s life) he did NOT – repeat NOT – commit. I mean that most sincerely.
I had hoped to attend your court today and support my son while the fate of his entire physical, emotional and economic future – not to mention moral development – is decided at your hands (prisons in the USA not being notable for their improving potential), but the Fortune 500 company I work for (PS – in the accounts department) is rapidly laying off its employees after our stock prices took a tremendous drop during the past few months due to some, well, rather satisfying – I mean, substantial – but essentially well-intentioned – embezzlement of a fairly light-hearted nature. (Though I’m afraid I’m not free to say more on that subject for now! Just don’t believe everything you’re liable to read in the papers… Though I guess you would know that, being a judge, with all the stories about weird judges and their decisions and everything, especially down here in Texas and all – but I digress.)
Anyhow, despite everything that’s going down before you in the courtroom today (perhaps including my own dear loin-fruit, my darling Mugger), I feel like I’d better stick around in the accounts office today to see how far my 401k sinks as well after the third-quarter results are announced. After all, my own financial future and needs are important too!
Your Honor, it’s not my intent to argue the facts of Mugger’s case, instead I will do the best I can to communicate to you my son's real character and tell you he did NOT beat up, rape, imprison, torture, decapitate and dismember those 7 crack whores (in any case from what I read in the papers afterwards they fully deserved it).
So I hope you will believe me (or at least not actually disbelieve me) when I say that Mugger is basically a good boy who has been led astray by bad company (need I say more?). What is more, he is always kind to animals, except by accident. What more can I say?
I hope you will read what I have to say about him and understand the truth of what I’m saying.
Yours most truly and humbly,
Mrs Andrea Grockle (Ms)
(Concerned mother of six darling boys)
PS – If you swing it the right way I’ll make it well worth your while (need I say more?).
Reply from Erik Kowal ( - England)