jealousy

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jealousy

Post by Archived Topic » Thu Dec 20, 2001 1:44 am

Lydia, Deanna's mother, entered into the bedroom, unannounced. Before Deanna could utter a word of astonishment, Lydia walked over to where Deanna lay, and as quick as a bat flutters past in the night, slapped Deanna.
Submitted by barbara lizor (campbell river, b.c, - Canada)
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jealousy

Post by Archived Reply » Thu Dec 20, 2001 1:58 am

and then what? please carry on, the suspense is killing me!
Reply from Meirav Barkan (London - England)
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jealousy

Post by Archived Reply » Thu Dec 20, 2001 2:13 am

so what was it? why did she slap her? had Deanna borrowed her favourite dress without asking? her perfume? her man? do tell!
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jealousy

Post by Archived Reply » Thu Dec 20, 2001 2:27 am

Is the comma between bedroom and unannounced really necessary?
Good question Meirav - I too am at the edge of my chair. Where did she slap her? Was it a hard punitive slap or more of a soft quick pat to the bottom type of thing?
Why was Deanna astonished that her mother entered her room? Is this a sort of regular family ritual of strange goings on in the night? What motivated this scene and where does it lead? Was Deanna even more astonished after the slap? Why jealousy? Who is jealous here? Like a fragmented sentence, this appears as a moment in time that is not quite complete.
Reply from Sabine Harmann (Elkhorn, WI - U.S.A.)
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jealousy

Post by Archived Reply » Thu Dec 20, 2001 2:41 am

Okay Meirav Barkan and Sabine Harmann...I have written a book and submitted it. It is a mystery/romance. The publishers sent it back saying I had to do some editing before re-submitting it. I just through that little bit in about Deanna and her mother to see what bites I would get. If you want to know more, send a reply and I will accept any help with paragraphs, character building, etc.. Right now I am a quarter of the way through editing, so you might see me asking for help soon unless you want to walk with me till the end of my editing.
Reply from barbara lizor (campbell river, b.c, - Canada)
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jealousy

Post by Archived Reply » Thu Dec 20, 2001 2:56 am

Well Barbara, all I can say is it's a very good opening sentence, as we have just demonstrated that it makes the reader want to know more! However, if I were you I would get someone to proof read your text before you send it, as things like "through" instead of "threw" are going to put publishers off.

I do agree with Sabine regarding the comma.
Reply from Meirav Barkan (London - England)
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jealousy

Post by Archived Reply » Thu Dec 20, 2001 3:10 am

Alright, remember you asked for it. My editor's cap is now on. Unless you are writing for an audience with extremely proficient language skills that love to wade through complex sentences paragraph after paragraph, page after page, the second sentence starting "Before. . ." is way too long, complex and wordy. Recreational reading shouldn't feel this much like work for comprehension. How about: "She walked over to where Deanna lay, and before Deanna could utter a word of astonishment, quick as a bat flutters past, slapped Deanna." If the astonishment isn't important it too could be left out. We can presume most people know most bats are nocturnal. Also the use of both names a second time is confusing and makes the reader look back to sentence one to check who's who. A book I would suggest as it taught me to break editing down more than any other person, lesson, class or source is "Getting the Words Right: How to Revise, Edit & Rewrite by Theodore A. Rees Cheney. Usually less is more as long as you don't lose content or too much style. However if there is so much style you lose your reader, you'll lose your sale. Let us know when you make print and best of luck!

Reply from Sabine Harmann (Elkhorn, WI - U.S.A.)
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jealousy

Post by Archived Reply » Thu Dec 20, 2001 3:25 am

Besides all that, I have seen some bats that dawdle! You might try for a more apt simile; e.g., "quick as a wink," "faster than a speeding bullet," "like bitch-slapped her, man." Something original. *G*
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jealousy

Post by Archived Reply » Thu Dec 20, 2001 3:39 am

also - did anyone mention quit saying "Deanna" again and again?
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