Season's Greetings

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Season's Greetings

Post by Phil White » Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:58 pm

It is that time of year again and my customers ask me to translate their Christmas greetings for them. I find it tiresome in the extreme to find a dozen different ways of being nice to people.

I just thought we could open this thread up to be cynical or vent our spleen with regard to Christmas greetings.
(But please check on Snopes before submitting tiresome, invented stories of politcal correctness.)

Here's a starter from Sir Humphrey Appleby (known to viewers of "Yes Minister"):
I beg to crave the momentary indulgence of the Reader in order to discharge a by no means disagreeable obligation which has over the years become more or less established practice, within the Government circles in which we move, as we approach the terminal period of the year – calendar, of course not financial – in fact, not to put too fine a point on it, week fifty-one of the year – and I should like to submit to the Reader with all appropriate deference, for his consideration at a convenient juncture, a sincere and sanguine expectation, indeed confidence, indeed one might go as far as to say hope that the aforementioned period may, at the end of the day, when all relevant factors have been taken into consideration, be susceptible of being deemed to be such as to merit a verdict of having been by no means unsatisfactory in its overall outcome and, in the final analysis, to give grounds for being judged, on mature reflection, to have been conducive to generating a degree of gratification, relaxation and celebration which will be seen in retrospect to have been significantly higher than the general average.

From the Utterly Utterly Merry Comic Relief Christmas Book, Fontana Paperbacks, 1986
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Signature: Phil White
Non sum felix lepus

Re: Season's Greetings

Post by trolley » Tue Oct 27, 2009 4:22 pm

Subject: The Office Party FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: Everyone RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't Be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!



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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?



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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?



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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?



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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???



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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director Date: December 9 RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?



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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!



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FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward Your cards to her at the sanatorium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

We hope that this change does not offend anyone.
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Re: Season's Greetings

Post by trolley » Tue Oct 27, 2009 4:51 pm

Sorry....I meant to post that in the joke section.
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Re: Season's Greetings

Post by Tony Farg » Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:32 pm

Got our first card yesterday. Maybe they posted early because of the strikes?
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Re: Season's Greetings

Post by Erik_Kowal » Fri Oct 30, 2009 8:27 am

Tony, maybe you'd better check to make sure it's not a late-delivered card from last year...
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