The top 15 biblical ways to acquire a wife

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The top 15 biblical ways to acquire a wife

Post by Erik_Kowal » Fri May 25, 2007 7:49 am

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.

-- Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her.

-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, then impress him by watering his flock.

-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.

-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.

-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.

-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place.

-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8. Cut 200 foreskins off your future father-in-law's enemies and take his daughter for a wife.

-- David (I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)

-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.

-- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a […] woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."

-- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (However, prepare to lose four sons).

-- David (2 Samuel 11)

13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).

-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.

-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

15. A wife?... NOT!!!

-- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
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The top 15 biblical ways to acquire a wife

Post by Edwin Ashworth » Tue May 29, 2007 8:13 pm

I remember my favourite preacher putting in a word of encouragement for those who couldn't see the attraction of staying single for a while: "So Solomon had seven hundred wives. Seven hundred!
"Just think of all those mothers-in-law!"
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The top 15 biblical ways to acquire a wife

Post by gdwdwrkr » Tue May 29, 2007 11:54 pm

No doubt some were both.
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The top 15 biblical ways to acquire a wife

Post by Erik_Kowal » Wed May 30, 2007 12:10 am

Both what?
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The top 15 biblical ways to acquire a wife

Post by gdwdwrkr » Wed May 30, 2007 8:26 am

Erik_Kowal wrote: Both what?

wife and mother-in-law
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