Film flimflam

We've created this area in the hope of seeing material ranging from some well-told (or well retold) jokes to original writing with a humorous slant, or anything else that might appeal to the kind of person who enjoys playing with words more than people. That probably means someone like yourself. N.B. -- Postings preceded by ** contain some sexual or risqué content. (Makes them easier to find.)

Film flimflam

Post by Debz » Tue Aug 15, 2006 1:25 am

91. All Christmas shopping is done at the mall.

92. All store-front windows have a mannequin or two in them.

93. If you are walking your dog on the sidewalk, there is a good chance that you will meet someone else walking their dog.

94. If your mailbox is at your house, and you go outside to check your mail, your neighbor will be outside at that very moment washing his car.
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Film flimflam

Post by daverba » Sat Aug 26, 2006 3:54 am

95. Americans always (and only) win wars because the officers don’t know the true facts, are college-educated, and/or are rule-stickling bunglers, and the regular soldiers (who always know what to do) develop a makeshift tactic/subterfuge /weapon/apparatus which saves the day.

96. Male and female heroes can do battle against male villains, but only female heroes may fight female villains. (See flimflam #97)

97. Villains always create evil schemes that result in their own demise. This is an absolute necessity when the screenwriters God pits a male hero against an female villain.

98. No matter the level of destruction and obliteration during the course of a movie, the presence of love in the end can: resurrect people (The Matrix), create a new world (Dark City), and otherwise make everything okey-dokey.

99. All prisons must suffer from: a) grossly insufficient lighting, b) condensation-soaked walls, c) centuries of grime, d) insect and rodent infestation, e) ridiculously lousy jail food, f) corrupt guards, and g) cold-hearted wardens.

100. All prisoners must be one or more of the following: a) bodybuilders, b) informants, c) hustlers, d) homosexuals, e) psychopaths, and/or f) members of a gang or organized crime.

101. All ricochets must create sparks.

102. All cars must create explosions when they crash.

103. All explosions must produce humungous billowing orange-yellow balls of flame.

104. All injury to flying debris can be avoided by turning away from the explosion and hunching your shoulders with your hands over your head.

105. All cars can (and do) screech their tires.

106. All cars that get bogged down in sand must eventually stall and cannot be restarted.

107. All cars can be disabled by stealing the high voltage wire from off the distributor. No one (ie, none of the adults) will be able to solve the problem. (See flimflam #108)

108. Only kids will know that one of the sparkplug wires or even a power cord to a household appliance will substitute nicely for the stolen high voltage wire.
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Film flimflam

Post by Sway » Thu Nov 23, 2006 6:25 pm

95. Even if the monster/villain/otherwise "bad guy/girl" is blown up into tiny pieces or has a huge hole blown out of him/her, they will always resurrect in some form or fashion to finish off their victim even though that person gets away and moves to another city to start their new life with someone they met during the barrage of attacks by said "bad guy/girl" only to have the other carry on to ensue the murdered partner's revenge.
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Film flimflam

Post by tony h » Fri Nov 24, 2006 12:47 pm

re 83 I imagine a couple of burly chaps going to the travel goods department of their local store.
Assistant "can I help you...Ah yes one million. Is that dollars or sterling? ... Oh I am sorry we only have the one million in brown. .. We do have the two million in black. ... This one has an optional fillet to convert it from a two million to a one million. You will! Thank you sir... Will you be paying by cash or by card"
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With the right context almost anything can sound appropriate.

Re: Film flimflam

Post by Erik_Kowal » Mon Jan 02, 2017 3:13 am

109. The true test of inspirational leadership in an organization is to tell a skilled technician that they have five minutes to perform a complex mission-critical task which ordinarily requires at least half an hour to execute.

110. Abstract subjects are almost never discussed in American films. Politics, economics, history, social issues, science and the arts are thus only mentioned when some aspect of them is crucial to the plot.

111. In Hollywood films, the military must be glorified at all times unless the villain is an individual who is incompetent, corrupt or harbouring a grudge.

112. In middle school and high school, the main functions of the lockers lining a corridor are either for the nerd to have his one vandalized, or to enable the bullying football jocks to display their prowess at body-slamming nerds.

113. Female students are never nerds until they find themselves unexpectedly challenged by an unscrupulous rival. At that point they suddenly become capable of prodigious feats of scholarship.
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Re: Film flimflam

Post by trolley » Mon Jan 02, 2017 7:33 pm

114. Every bag of groceries will have a baguette sticking out of the top.If the bag rips, oranges or grapefruits will spill out and roll around on the ground.
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Re: Film flimflam

Post by Phil White » Tue Jan 03, 2017 1:02 am

115. All poor people have regional accents.

116. All Welsh people have inexplicable Indian accents.
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Non sum felix lepus

Re: Film flimflam

Post by Erik_Kowal » Tue Jan 03, 2017 2:51 am

Phil White wrote:116. All Welsh people have inexplicable Indian accents.
Not just in films, Phil.

117. When the murderously-inclined villain is chasing you towards your home or car, you are obliged to get so fumble-fingered before you can open the door that you will first make your keys dance a jangly jig in both cupped hands that lasts circa 90-120 seconds before you are able to insert the right key in the right keyhole. By then the audience will be either dead or checking their Facebook updates.
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Re: Film flimflam

Post by Bobinwales » Tue Jan 03, 2017 3:07 pm

Erik_Kowal wrote:
Phil White wrote:116. All Welsh people have inexplicable Indian accents.
Not just in films, Phil.
Hurumph! I don't!
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Bob in Wales

Re: Film flimflam

Post by Phil White » Tue Jan 03, 2017 3:30 pm

Bobinwales wrote:Hurumph! I don't!
Goodness gracious me, no boyo!
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Non sum felix lepus

Re: Film flimflam

Post by tony h » Wed Jan 04, 2017 10:11 pm

118. When driving in an open-topped car, the next restaurant will be picturesque and welcoming, with good food.

119. Girls are only pretty without their glasses.
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With the right context almost anything can sound appropriate.

Re: Film flimflam

Post by Erik_Kowal » Thu Jan 05, 2017 3:50 am

tony h wrote:119. Girls are only pretty without their glasses.
“Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses,” said Dorothy Parker. Americans have since swallowed this Parkerian aphorism unquestioningly — the preferred consumption mode for the majority.

120. Automatic weapons are useless against a pistol.

121. Native Americans like to restrict their conversation to sagacious insights.

122. A truck is almost indestructible, except for its brakes. These are incredibly fragile.

123. People ordered to remain somewhere never do.

124. People who retire always buy a boat.

125. The likelihood of falling from the roof of a moving train is greatly elevated as soon as it crosses a tall bridge above a river.

125. A uniform taken from an unconscious person will fit perfectly, regardless of any differences in size, sex or species.

126. However violent the beating administered to the hero may be, he likes to follow it up with "Is that the best you can do?"
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Re: Film flimflam

Post by tony h » Tue Jan 10, 2017 11:19 pm

127. Dying people can only leave cryptic clues as to the murderer's identity.
128. Spies, assassins and the like never disguise themselves when on the run.
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With the right context almost anything can sound appropriate.

Re: Film flimflam

Post by trolley » Wed Jan 11, 2017 1:25 am

129. Any vehicle involved in a crash is likely to bust into flames and create a huge fireball.
130. A single candle or match can illuminate an entire room.
131. If you walk over the edge of a cliff you will not fall until you look down and realize where you are.....oops that is a cartoon law....whole different type of physics...
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Re: Film flimflam

Post by tony h » Wed Jan 11, 2017 12:41 pm

trolley wrote:131. If you walk over the edge of a cliff you will not fall until you look down and realize where you are.....oops that is a cartoon law....whole different type of physics...
but that does lead to ...

132. Any good ordinary person can hold on with one hand and eventually haul themselves back on to a ledge.
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Signature: tony

With the right context almost anything can sound appropriate.

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