Film flimflam

We've created this area in the hope of seeing material ranging from some well-told (or well retold) jokes to original writing with a humorous slant, or anything else that might appeal to the kind of person who enjoys playing with words more than people. That probably means someone like yourself. N.B. -- Postings preceded by ** contain some sexual or risqué content. (Makes them easier to find.)

Film flimflam

Post by Quail » Thu Aug 10, 2006 5:48 pm

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission and quantum physics at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk them down.

13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of first showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris, and Picadilly Circus can be seen from any window in London.

17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince as soon as a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before too long.

19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20. Word processors never display a cursor on screen. Instead, they will always say: Enter Password Now.

21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red LED displays so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

27. There is always an apartment available for rent overlooking the route the president is taking, and the previous tenant is always an old woman who died.
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Film flimflam

Post by Debz » Fri Aug 11, 2006 12:03 pm

28. All shoes stay new.
29. All houses clean themselves.
30. 95% of pedestrians are attractive and well dressed.
31. All horses have the same whinny, and they never doo doo.
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Film flimflam

Post by Bobinwales » Fri Aug 11, 2006 3:33 pm

32. When you gaze longingly into the girl's eyes a symphony orchestra hiding in a tree will begin to play.

33. When passion takes you towards the bedroom, she never has to say "Darling, I'm afraid that this is the wrong week"

34. No woman ever has PMT.

35. The hero never gets drunk, only the light comic relief manages that particular feat.
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Film flimflam

Post by Shelley » Fri Aug 11, 2006 5:30 pm

36. If the scene takes place in nature anywhere west of the Mississippi, you will hear that same eagle's cry within the first 5 seconds (I wish I owned the rights to that soundbite!).
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Film flimflam

Post by kagriffy » Fri Aug 11, 2006 5:46 pm

37. When you suddenly burst into song over a seemingly trivial matter, not only will no one stare at you, but most of them will join in the song with you (and know all the words)!

38. No matter how long you stare at the telephone while it continues to ring, the person on the other end never hangs up before you finally decide to pick up (and no answering machine picks up after the 4th ring).

39. Although a week's worth of time can go by in a matter of 10 minutes, the final 5 seconds of any countdown (whether it be a timer on a bomb or the final seconds of a race) will last at least 5 minutes.
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K. Allen Griffy
Springfield, Illinois (USA)

Film flimflam

Post by tony h » Fri Aug 11, 2006 10:01 pm

40. No matter what documented history shows, it is always an American that wins through.

41. It is always sunny in Oxford and Wales.

42. The roads are always clear enough for a car chase.
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With the right context almost anything can sound appropriate.

Film flimflam

Post by Shelley » Fri Aug 11, 2006 10:25 pm

43. The woman in the first scene who is having unmarried sex will die violently soon -- she deserves to be punished.
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Film flimflam

Post by Debz » Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:51 pm

44. All Television stations are local.
45. All rural gas stations are managed by greasy, hairy, tobacco-chewing, beer-drinking hicks.
46. All attics are full of well-preserved antiques and cobwebs.
47. All Native Americans are muscular, good-looking and superstitious.
48. All eyeglasses are used for reading only.
49. All phones beep amazingly loud when you are keying in a number, and when you disconnect, the dial tone is equally as loud.
50. All cowboys chew tobacco, and talk in a fake western accent.
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Film flimflam

Post by Erik_Kowal » Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:56 pm

51. Only children ever have to visit a toilet.

52. Period cars are always immaculately clean and in showroom condition.

53. Everybody prefers the challenge of walking four blocks back home carrying a week's groceries in impractical brown paper shopping bags to the predictable boredom of using plastic bags with handles, but they always gladly accept a passing stranger's offer to help carry their bags the last five feet into their house.

54. Couples who have spent all night uninhibitedly coupling become extremely coy once they get out of bed, when they can only walk around wrapped in a sheet. The main exception to the use of the sheet is exhibited by the kind of practised adulterer who is able to pull on both his trousers and his underpants all the way in just 25 milliseconds as he is beginning to stand up from the side of the bed.

55. Nobody who enters a darkened room or corridor has the sense to turn on a light switch before venturing further.

56. People have TV sets, but they never watch them unless they themselves happen to be in the headlines. If this is the case, they have only to turn on the set to see themselves on the news channel at that very moment.

57. As soon as someone hangs up on you, you will hear the dial tone.

58. No villain can resist explaining all the unexplained jumps in the plot to the hero as a prelude to doing away with him; and having once heard this explanation, no hero will fail to escape.

59. No leading man ends up with an ugly woman, and no pretty woman ends up with a doorstop for a man. That is, not unless she is Beauty in 'Beauty and the Beast', when the imbalance is in any case only temporary.

60. People rarely bother to say goodbye when ending a call.

61. Bosses are either bungling buffoons, lecherous satyrs, or secretly working for the enemy.

62. No city car chase fails to pass through at least one quarter-mile alleyway just eight feet wide, several ten-foot stacks of empty cardboard boxes, a deserted arena beneath an overpass, and three wooden handcarts laden with carrots and cabbages.

63. Whenever someone is desperately trying to get hold of you, they generally like to wait until you're in the shower with the radio turned way up before dialling.

64. The longer the period you've been separated from your loved one, the greater the distance from which they are able to recognise you when you are eventually reunited. This is especially true if you are still enveloped in locomotive steam.

65. The more politely a foreigner treats you to your face, the more likely he is to be waiting for the chance to plant a dagger between your ribs.
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Film flimflam

Post by kagriffy » Sat Aug 12, 2006 9:25 pm

66. No matter what distant galaxy the alien beings are from, they will always speak fluent English.

67. These alien beings will have learned English from listening to our radio broadcasts (presumably the ones simulcast in English and the aliens' native language?).

68. All communications, even from the moon to the earth, are instantaneous, because the speed of light is just a myth.
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Springfield, Illinois (USA)

Film flimflam

Post by Bobinwales » Sat Aug 12, 2006 10:39 pm

69. You always see the helicopter before you hear it
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Bob in Wales

Film flimflam

Post by Debz » Sun Aug 13, 2006 12:58 am

70. All restaurants are smoke-free unless it is a bar.
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Film flimflam

Post by Erik_Kowal » Sun Aug 13, 2006 5:27 am

71. A psychotic serial killer will meticulously cover the walls of his room with news clippings, photos and other evidence of his activities, especially if he is still living with his mother. The mother will be no less surprised than everyone else to discover what he has been up to.

72. Someone clinging to the roof of your car has the sticking-power of a limpet.

73. As on the Ark, nuns travel in twos.

74. Writers still favour the use of typewriters rather than word-processing programs and PCs, because they greatly prefer to waste the investment of time and paper they are consuming when they irritably crumple half a day's work into a ball, to suffering the convenience and new-fangled efficiency of the delete key. As if to rub their noses in their inability to adapt and learn, the more hopelessly their writing is progressing, the worse their accuracy in aiming at the waste-paper basket becomes.

75. To maintain their artistic integrity, artists working at their easels need to draw and redraw, or paint and repaint, the same tiny segment of paper or canvas with identical repetitive motions of the hand, presumably until only the onset of cramps or RSI prevents them from carrying on any longer. However, they still need to keep looking up to check and recheck the scene before them, just to make sure they are continuing to get it right.

76. All monitors can only display letters in uppercase, and these letters are always at least an inch high.

77. It is always the person making a call to an organization who confirms its identity, not the organization's employee.

78. Newborn babies are born three months old.

79. It is always safe to leap from a hotel roof provided there is a pool below.

80. Whenever a villain breaks into someone's house, only the mother and pre-teen daughter will be at home. The mother will whisk the child into a closet with louvred doors. The child will see the intruder approach the closet, but something always distracts him before he is able to look inside.

81. To assist in being able to jump from one rooftop to another, especially if the width of the alleyway below is fifteen feet or more, it is essential to be wearing a heavyweight trench-coat, preferably one made of black leather. For maximum aerodynamic performance, the coat must be loosely belted but not buttoned up. A further performance boost can obtained by clutching an outsize weapon in one hand while leaping.

82. In any scene involving prior exposure to a soporific gas, everyone will wake up in unison.

83. The interior of an attaché case just happens to have exactly the same volume as a million dollars' worth of banknotes, or a million dollars' worth of cocaine.

84. Anyone using a flashlight will always make sure to sweep the light across a darkened room until its beam strikes the camera lens and makes the viewer blink.

85. Teenagers' bedrooms always come complete either with a weight-bearing drainpipe or an easily-accessible tree next to the window, or else a dormer that gives easy access to the roof and the adjacent wealth of resources surrounding it.

86. Messages left on answering machines are always crucial to the plot. They are never reminders to one's spouse to pick up another pack of frozen broccoli on the way home from the office.

87. The skill of a programmer or hacker improves tremendously when a gun is pointed at their head.
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Film flimflam

Post by Bobinwales » Mon Aug 14, 2006 8:49 am

88. When the villain is knocked out during a fight he stays out for so long that he really ought to be dead.
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Bob in Wales

Film flimflam

Post by Quail » Mon Aug 14, 2006 11:25 pm

89. People are usually knocked out with a single punch...and no one ever divests the bad guy of his weapon after he is knocked out.

90. Funerals are scheduled for rainy days, and every mourner has a large black umbrella--no one ever sports a colored umbrella--even if there were 500 mourners, all will have a large black umbrella.
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